Married 10 years, two young kids (one just started school the other is even younger). Early 40s, she's one year older than me. I never loved her. We've been together since grad school and I just went through the motions. There are also cultural differences, and A s i a n in-laws to deal with. I have tenure and she's a non-academic (she works for a small company). I make 2-3 times more than she does. She is not attractive (neither am I, admittedly), and she is very entitled, neurotic, whiny, needy, and clingy. In fact, our relationship started with her asking me for help with math homework. I then helped her with her dissertation. Then I was probably flattered by the attention I got from her (I used to be shy and introverted). I look back and don't know what I was thinking. I was too absorbed in my studies and then focused on earning tenure. Once I got tenure there were pressures to get married.
I am a good husband and a great father to the kids. I never cheated physically, but I did cheat emotionally. She spends a lot on things like false eyelashes, mahogany hair highlights, facials, expensive cosmetics etc. which she couldn't afford on her own. She probably realizes deep down I don't love her and tries to overcompensate, although on the surface she is a snob and likes to pretend that we have a perfect marriage. We also have an expensive mortgage on a nearly $3 million home in a high COL area. She's extremely insecure and dependent on me. She's not verbally abusive, but she can be passive aggressive. She can demand the world from me and criticize anything I do, but I can't have even minimal expectations from her, and my slightest attempt to provide constructive criticism turns into a lot of drama. She's a habitual liar (for example she lies a lot about her career choices because she has deep-seated insecurities -- she has a PhD but could never get an academic job).
I am concerned she would get worse if I initiate the divorce and this would affect the kids. She is helpless without me, and could not afford the mortgage on her own, and I can't afford a second mortgage, so I would have to ask her to move out of the house so we can sell it and get each our place. Need I explain the drama this would create? But being in this relationship has been taking a significant toll on me. I am overweight, miserable, and I tend drink a lot at night when kids are asleep -- but I am able to keep it under control and not drink when I teach etc. 13-15 years like this until the youngest is out of the nest seems like a lot of time.
Should I proceed with a divorce? If so, when/how should I have "the talk"? Should I seek marriage counseling first? Everyone I know who tried it ended up getting divorced anyway so it seems like a waste of money.
Thanks in advance for the advice.