Reg monkey, lol.
I got a theory PhD from a ULRM (something like world top 250). Now I have an academic job doing theory, very little teaching, and multiple top field pubs. Theory is still valued outside of the US because the cutenomics cabal hasn't taken over here. If you can be happy outside the US and are good, there is a way to make it as a theorist.Top 250, lol.