You gotta approach this by deletion and rule out all the cars which a sufficiently well-off prole or douchebag might buy. In my analysis, Volvo remains as the optimal car brand.
Volvo is actually very good. For example, s60. Prestigious, safe and not obnoxious. Also, Benz c class are great cars. Little bit expensive tho.
http://usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/cars-trucks/rankings/Upscale-Midsize-Cars/
Based on this list and OP's criteria, the s60 does seem pretty good.
Suburu forester, Toyota Rav4 (2013 or later) or Honda CRV.
Only if you are a girl or high estrogen dude.
Funny thing is I drive a Rav4 and I'm able to sex up 3 women at the same time. But on a serious note I need to say no to 2 of them...and soon as I am falling for one! You see Bros your desire for prestige and top 5s are the things which hold you back. So I'm pretty VLRM and I entertain never my hot undergrads but the hot (I mean really hot) ladies in admin. If they're hot but just divorced then I make my move. Three at one go bros at different times of course unbeknownst to the other...VLRM and a modest Rav4 and I can have 3 hotties in one period. You kiddos think too much about top 5s. You need to relax. Tenure, ample top 200 publications and 3 hot women beckon. Plus of course great wines, food and beers!